Rob Huebel recounts the UCB show that almost killed him
Maxim August 26, 2013
Rob Huebel Talks “Hell Baby,” “Axe Cop,” and L.A. Perverts
by Emily Zemler
The comedian also answers the same 10 questions we always ask everyone.
With a movie like Hell Baby, do you actually have to audition for it?
Yes, I had to audition. I found out later that I was the only one that had to audition. Evidently, Thomas [Lennon] and [Robert] Ben [Garant], who I’ve known for a long time and consider myself to be very good friends with, put Rob Corddry, Paul Scheer, Leslie Bibb, Kumail Nanjiani, Riki Lindhome, and Keegan-Michael Key all in the movie. Who are all peers of mine. Comedy friends, you would say. I found out I’m the only one who had to audition. Not once, but several times. My agents and my managers had to put a lot of pressure on them, which is weird because we have the same agents and the same managers. So you figure that out.
Do you see this as a parody of the horror genre?
I want to be clear about this. Hell Baby is not a parody movie. A lot of people when they think of horror comedies they think of Scary Movie, where there’s going to be pop culture references and jokes about celebrities and cameos by Carmen Electra. This is not that movie. This is its own story and its own movie that has nothing to do with anything else. It makes fun of some of the tropes of horror movies–people buying a scary house and trying to deal with a supernatural horrible thing. That’s familiar.
It is scary at all?
It’s a comedy movie. I think if you go to this movie and you want to be scared you’re going to be so pissed off at yourself. I don’t care what Tom and Ben say about this movie. No one was trying to make a movie that was more scary than it is funny. You wouldn’t have gotten all these comedians together. But yeah, there are some startles in this movie where you’re like, “Oh I didn’t know that guy was gonna be standing there!”
Who do you think should see it?
If you are a comedy nerd, congratulations, you just won the lottery. If you are my parents or you are a child, you aren’t going to want to see this movie. If you’re a college person or in your 20s or 30s or a teenager that’s got good taste in weirdo comedy stuff, great! I’ll see you there.
You’ll be at all the showings of the movie?
Yeah, I’ll watch you smoke weed in the parking lot and high five your bros. I can’t smoke weed with you because I’m a cop.
In the film your character is about to describe his backstory but gets cut off. Can you create a backstory for him now?
That’s right–Paul Scheer and I are cops, and we try to explain our backstory after Tom and Ben get this whole long scene to explain their backstories. And we didn’t get to do that! Well, I feel like my backstory is obvious. My character’s name is Paul Scheer. If you notice our name badges [above], his character’s name is Rob Huebel. This was a dumb joke we did on the first day and had to keep going the whole movie. So before my character was a cop in the New Orleans police department I was a street prostitute, out there on the street, sucking dick for money, smoking meth for fun, smashing car windows to grab people’s purses and wallets. And then one day–obviously–something very life changing happened. My character was struck by two bolts of lightning. One bolt wouldn’t change your life, but two bolts, fuck, man! Decided to straighten up and join the law enforcement. That’s my deal.
Word on the street is that you and Paul Scheer are going to turn your Upright Citizen’s Brigade show “Crash Test” into a Comedy Central show. Can you share any details on that?
I can’t. I wish I could!
What else do you have coming up?
Children’s Hospital. And Axe Cop on Fox. Axe Cop is an animated show that just started on Fox that is based off the comic book series. And here’s the hook: it’s written by a 5-year-old. This 5-year-old has a brother who’s like 28 and is in the business, and the little brother kept coming up with all these awesome stories for this character he dreamed up called Axe Cop. So the older brother started illustrating this and it became a comic book. It became hugely popular, so Fox picked it up to make a TV show.
AND NOW, ROB HUEBEL ANSWERS THE SAME 10 QUESTIONS WE ALWAYS ASK EVERYONE!
What was the last thing you had to apologize for?
I frequently go crazy in traffic. Here in Los Angeles traffic is really bad and I am violent in my car. I have horrible outbursts where I will say terrible, terrible, hateful things to people. I did that and my girlfriend was in the car and I don’t think she had seen that side of me before. I was promising people that I would murder them, that I would come find them in their homes and kill them while they’re sleeping. I don’t think my girlfriend knew I had that level of blackness in my heart. So I had to apologize for that.
What is your favorite curse word?
There’s a lot of great ones. But it all comes down to what feels great coming out of your mouth. What does it feel like as it grinds past your teeth? And I think “motherfucker” is the one. It just feels horrible saying it but so cathartic.
What’s the worst hangover you’ve ever had?
The day after Halloween in New York City in the early 2000s. I can’t remember [what year] because I was too hungover. I had to shoot a promo for Comedy Central and it involved me being totally naked on camera in this commercial. For the paltry sum of about $150. And I was so hungover from drinking the night before that I just didn’t care. Normally you’d show up to something where you had to be naked and you’d be concerned, like “Oh how does my wiener look?” I didn’t care. When I’m hungover I really feel like crying a lot. You feel such heightened emotions where you’ll just cry about a tampon commercial. They wanted to do a million takes of me naked for their promo and I just kept saying “Sure” while crying out of the corners of my eyes.
What costume had you been wearing when you got that drunk?
That was the year I went as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters. I had a giant pair of white sweatpants and a white sweatshirt and a little sailor’s cap, and I was just stuffed with toilet paper.
What was your first car?
My first car was also the place where I had sex for the first time. That was a vehicle—you’ve probably never even heard of this vehicle because it’s sporty, so sleek, and so expensive you can’t even think of what it would be like to own one—called a Honda Civic Hatchback. I blew people’s minds speeding around so fast. I don’t know if you know how fast that car can go, but you can go up to 50 miles an hour. Those are the top speeds I was going. I don’t think they make them anymore because they were too fast. They’re not street legal anymore.
Do you have a scar that tells a story?
I have a scar on my wrist that looks like I tried to slash my wrist and kill myself. You probably thought, “Oh, Rob Huebel, he was suicidal at one point.” But this is a scar from a comedy show I used to do at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in New York. It was a pro-wrestling show like the WWE. They would get a bunch of comedians and we would do this midnight show on Friday nights where people would actually wrestle. It was very unsafe. My character was fighting a woman one night and her character was called Whorey Whorey. She was a very slutty, sexual character who would do a trick where she would strap a can of tuna on her upper thigh and then pull this can of tuna open and force her opponent to eat it. I started swinging at her and I didn’t realize she was still holding the lid to the can of tuna. I heard the splitting of my wrist before I felt it. I saw so much blood, but it was a comedy wrestling show so everyone onstage thought it was hilarious and fake blood. They all jumped on me and started beating me, not realizing that I was losing a lot of blood. The show ended and I immediately popped up and said, “Someone please take me to the hospital!” A can of crotch tuna almost killed me, but now I wear it as a badge of honor.
Do you have a party trick?
I can do something, but I have to have the right amount of spit in my mouth. I can launch a spit bubble at somebody. It’s not something I would do at a party like, “Hey, everybody look at me!” but it’s more something I would do one on one. People appreciate seductive tricks like that. It’s like spitting on someone but in an adorable, charming way.
What is the biggest thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?
In Hell Baby there’s a scene where we had to sit around and eat po’boys. It’s a big sloppy sandwich and I thought it would be funny to eat the biggest, sloppiest, greasiest po’boy. I don’t know if it was the biggest thing, but it was the most ‘thing’ I’ve ever had in my mouth. When you shoot a movie you shoot 40 takes of one scene and I didn’t take that into account. So every take of this scene I had to eat a brand new po’boy. So in the course of a day I had eaten 40 po’boys. I was hoping I would have a heart attack so my heart would just end the pain I was in quickly. But my heart wouldn’t attack itself.
What is one thing to remember in a fist fight?
Wear metal gloves.
Who was the last person to see you naked?
I would assume my neighbor this morning, because I have some neighbors that I’m a little suspicious of. I think they could be swingers. I have a big window in my bedroom. And it’s California. You know how we do it out here—everyone’s nude in their homes. You can do whatever you want. There’s no laws inside my house. But I’m pretty sure that these neighbors want to swing with me, and I have a hunch that they were checking me out. I’m just standing in front of my open window, minding my own business, looking out over Los Angeles, fully nude, taking in the day, letting the breeze hit my dick and balls, minding my own business, pressing my privates up against the glass, and these perverts are staring at me.
Finish this sentence: If I ruled the world for a day, I would...
Put everybody who lives in Los Angeles in jail. Get them off the streets so there is no more traffic. The rest of the world I don’t care about. I can speed all over town wherever I want. Everyone else is in jail. That’s all I want. That's attainable, right?